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Some Rights Reserved
Jun. 27th, 2009 | 07:43 pm
location: Holloway, London, UK
music: Fall Out Boy-I Don't Care
It amazes me how much tendency i have to make myself look like a complete and utter fucking idiot in front of the people who i so badly want to think that i'm not a complete and fucking idiot. Under pressure, the immediate reaction is just to keep drinking. I'm not going to mention any names, but i do really think that i'm sick of making the effort all the time. It's always me that arranges things, rings, txts, chases up people, and i'm sick of it because now i know that it's not worth it if it doesn't pay off. If they don't want to make any effort, then they clearly don't want to be with me that much, right? Well fuck it, college is over, the summer starts here and i don't give a fuck who i see and don't see. The people that stay in contact with me are my real friends, and i've realised that i should never have wasted my time worrying and fretting over other. Life is way too short.
But there goes another chapter of my life over. Another one now begins. I wish i could read ahead and see, or at least get a chapter summary. With all due respect i am still as in love with discovery and uncertainty as i ever was, it's just nice to get a little heads up once in a while. I figure i'm just going to have to roll with the blows and see how things work out for themselves. No more worrying, interfering, planning. Let's just get on with it.
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i ain't working for you anymore
Jun. 22nd, 2009 | 04:40 pm
location: Holloway, London, UK
music: Flux-Bloc Party
I hate photographs. I HATEHATEHATE PHOTOGRAPHS. Of me. Especially one's that i haven't either taken myself or approved pre-upload. I'm so anal about it, i'm so fucking self concious. I love how gross i look in this picture, how my face looks like it's bein eaten up by fat and how i'm bulging out of every item of clothing i own. It's enough to make any facebook picture-browsing friend sick to their stomach.
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so tired, lethargic, i need sleep that won't come. I'm stuck here and i can't bear to switch on the tv, or the radio, listen to music or play a game on the xbox. I could lay on my bed and watch the ceiling for hours. My eyelids feel as though they're gradually closing the gap between the top and bottom, sealing themselves up until eventually they won't open at all. My limbs ache and i drag myself around the house with minimum effort but maximum exhertion. There's a half full jar of multicoloured bubblegum next to my bed, last night i tried to see how much gum i could fit into my mouth, how big a wad of gum i could create. Eventually i nearly choked on that shit and coughed multicoloured gob onto page 256 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
I drank half a pint of milk this morning because i like the taste of it ice cold. Now i'm just waiting for the stomach cramps and gurgling noises coming from my stomach that tells me i will shortly be embarking on a brief journey bent over the toilet.
I think i'll try to sleep.
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so tired, lethargic, i need sleep that won't come. I'm stuck here and i can't bear to switch on the tv, or the radio, listen to music or play a game on the xbox. I could lay on my bed and watch the ceiling for hours. My eyelids feel as though they're gradually closing the gap between the top and bottom, sealing themselves up until eventually they won't open at all. My limbs ache and i drag myself around the house with minimum effort but maximum exhertion. There's a half full jar of multicoloured bubblegum next to my bed, last night i tried to see how much gum i could fit into my mouth, how big a wad of gum i could create. Eventually i nearly choked on that shit and coughed multicoloured gob onto page 256 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
I drank half a pint of milk this morning because i like the taste of it ice cold. Now i'm just waiting for the stomach cramps and gurgling noises coming from my stomach that tells me i will shortly be embarking on a brief journey bent over the toilet.
I think i'll try to sleep.
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New Again.
Jun. 21st, 2009 | 04:25 pm
location: Holloway, London, UK
music: Taking Back Sunday-Lonely, Lonely
SO. I think i may have done it again. But it's fine, it's fine. I figured it was about time for me to make a new journal. I always get to a certain stage in which i can no longer bear to read my previous entries without regret, so i do this over and over. It seems to be the right time for this, many things have changed in my life recently. The end of college. The end of friendships. The end of relationships. But optimism seems to have caught me off guard and i can safely say that i feel that now i've dicovered the depths of human emotion, things can only look up. That is to say, as one door closes another one opens. In september i will be leaving London for Leeds (or Staffordshire, depending on my exam grades) and so, this appears to be the last proper summer i'm going to have in London. I want it to be fun, something to remember, but to achieve this i know i have to pull myself out of whatever trance i'm in that's making me feel so empty all the time. It's one of those things that take time, but i'm feeling better already and trying to look to the future for once, instead of looking behind me to see what i missed.
I went to a party last night. It's the first time i've been out properly since me and the boy split. I won't go into too much detail about it, but i got ridiculously drunk and me, Flo, Irish, and Chris ended up walking 3 miles or so to get to Chris's house. We left the party at half three in the morning. We got to his at about half five. It was ridiculous. And now we're here.
I'm sitting at home, with last nights clothes and last nights makeup on, i am yet to have showered. When i woke up this morning and went to pee i had tree bark in my bra and pants. I have absolutely no clue why. I can only conclude that i spent a very long time sitting in the tyre underneath the tree bower. Sometimes i feel as though i want to reinvent myself over and over again. I envy people with the ability to do that, like a chameleon. One day, i hope that i won't have to feel this way.
And so it begins, the last summer in London. It seems as though something is coming to an end. But great things are in the works.
I went to a party last night. It's the first time i've been out properly since me and the boy split. I won't go into too much detail about it, but i got ridiculously drunk and me, Flo, Irish, and Chris ended up walking 3 miles or so to get to Chris's house. We left the party at half three in the morning. We got to his at about half five. It was ridiculous. And now we're here.
I'm sitting at home, with last nights clothes and last nights makeup on, i am yet to have showered. When i woke up this morning and went to pee i had tree bark in my bra and pants. I have absolutely no clue why. I can only conclude that i spent a very long time sitting in the tyre underneath the tree bower. Sometimes i feel as though i want to reinvent myself over and over again. I envy people with the ability to do that, like a chameleon. One day, i hope that i won't have to feel this way.
And so it begins, the last summer in London. It seems as though something is coming to an end. But great things are in the works.